Saturday, February 28, 2009

Top Chef Season 5 Wrap-Up: Suck Mountain

On a 1-10 scale of suckiness, the Top Chef Season 5 Finale was a 9.4, with Gail's rudeness and Carla's cryfest each accounting for roughly .3 points towards the not-suck end.  Here's a frankenstein recap from Gawker's Joshua Stein and comedian Max Silvestri:

After drawing knives, Hosea picks first. He picks Blaise. Stefan picks Marcel. Carla is stuck with Casey. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. FUCK! WE DESERVE TO BE EXPLAINED WHAT IS GOING ON. Here I'll help: Hosea fucks Stefan by taking all the foie gras. Hosea fucks Stefan by taking the caviar. Hosea gleefully eats a cake—he's a fucking fat whore—in which he finds a golden baby. This translates into his using the golden baby to fuck Stefan some more by giving him alligator meat whilst choosing the less challenging red fish from himself. Hosea continues to demonstrate a creepy and malevolent obsession toward Stefan that transcends the competition and delves into deep, if well-founded, insecurities on Hosea's part concerning his lack of intelligence and skill.

The chefs rush to finish their dishes. Carla says it's like the last 6.2 miles of a marathon. Hahaha, oh man, I totally know what you mean. Those last 6.2 miles are such a funny and well-known thing about the marathons we all run.

At the judges' table, they have harsh words for Carla being so out of character. She breaks down in tears and breaks my heart in the process. Stefan, the tenderest villain ever, hugs her and I literally wept. Hosea's dishes were consistent, but Stefan's highs were higher and lows were lower. The frozen fish and "pedestrian" dessert were a mistake. Each chef gets a chance to plead their case. Not fair! Stefan's got a language barrier. It's unclear whether a better defense would have helped. The new Top Chef? Hosea.

What a disappointment. The look on Hosea's face and subsequent gleeful "who's the next Top Chef? Oh just little oh me, Hosea" gloating sucked all the joy out of this for me. Stefan's a gracious loser, and he somehow manages to not punch Hosea in the face when Hosea says "You were really close at the end, man" or whatever. No class, Hosea. Speaking of, did you see when Leah ran up to Hosea and tried to kiss him but it got so weird and awkward? Here's a diagram on how of how lamely this season ended.

To anyone watching the entire season, it is clear that Hosea wasn't the Top Chef. He was inferior to both Stefan in terms of technical skill and Carla in terms of imagination and passion. 

After watching an entire season of an uncharacteristically untalented field of competitors repeatedly underwhelm and underperform, I was hoping for less uns and a well-deserved win for either Alpha-Male-Douchebag Stefan or Batshit-Crazy-Sweetest-Woman-Ever Carla. Instead, I suffered through Carla dropping the ball in Casey-esque fashion, the least exciting judges' table ever, and Blow-sea's pathetic defeat over his ridiculous obsession, Stefan.



Peter Boumgarden said...

I am with you adam... I was hoping for a stefan victory

Shade said...

Hahahahahha. adam. I missed the season finale. and at first i didn't want anyone to ruin it for me, especially our sometimes over zealous mother who tends to give away the show before you get the opportunity to watch it. but after reading this post, i'm not sure I will. It sucks that you "ruined" it for me....but now I feel as though it would just waste an hour of my life. thank you.

Anonymous said...
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AC said...

I'd love to hear your opinion on Fabio :)